Loving Those You Don't Like
Today I was skimming through a little book called "Learning To Love People You Don't Like" by Floyd McClung and this passage caught my attention:
I was deeply hurt once by a friend. I could not get over the anger and disappointment I felt every time I thought of him. Another friend advised me that I should tell the Lord I forgave the friend each time these feelings surfaced and say, "Lord I choose to do this with your love, and I will not give up until you put love in my heart for him. I receive that love by faith."
And then:
When someone irritates us, or his personality rubs us the wrong way, we tend to avoid him. When he comes into a room, we avoid looking in his direction and move to the other side of the room. Some of us go so far as to steer clear of events or gatherings if certain people will be there.
Ouch! That hurt because both of those passages could have been written about me. This is something I've struggled with for years now. I never have trouble forgiving anyone who is repentant, but I do if they are not. I do catch myself avoiding people who "rub me the wrong way" rather than trying to work past those feelings. Why is that?
The Bible says, "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that" (Luke 6:32-33). Again, ouch! Praying to have a heart of forgiveness and acceptance toward someone sounds so simple, but is it really?
For me, this is one of those hard teachings of Christ. Ok....confession time: I find it hard to love those who don't have a repentant spirit. I know it's wrong, but I'm afraid that being hurt by a Christian brother who showed no repentance and no interest in reconciling has jaded me somehow and made me, on some level, afraid to build new relationships. I want to forgive this person (even though he hasn't asked for it, nor was he willing to give it in return) and be free of the bad feelings about them, but I'm really having a hard time letting go of the hurt and resentment. And, I must confess, I have steered clear of events because I knew this person would be there.
I also catch myself feeling afraid anytime a "difference of opinion" comes up when I meet someone new. I can just feel myself wanting to disengage. Something inside of me just starts screaming, "Abort! Abort!" Maybe this comes from the church split I witnessed where I saw life-long friendships severed over differences of opinion. Scary stuff and unbelievably painful!!! I saw much damage done to individuals and to the reputation of the church because of that split. It was hard to get over the hurt and disappointment in some people who I had truly admired but I felt had let me down. In that situation, I justified my feelings by saying that my faith was in Jesus, not in people. But it's hard to feel that way yet still love, I mean really love, these people who have hurt you! I've also told myself that you can love people without really liking them, but that's hard for me to accept. Anyway, I think I let these experiences create a spirit of fear in me and I know that's not from Jesus, so I want to get rid of it!
Does anyone else struggle with this?
The author went on to say, "Sometimes forgiveness is a process. If we have been deeply hurt, it takes time for the wound to heal. In this case forgiveness acts as a continual cleansing of the wound so that it can heal properly. As we think about a person who has hurt us or sinned against us, feelings of resentment and emotional pain well up. Then we must reaffirm our commitment to forgive them. It is not that the first act of forgiveness was invalid, but that an ongoing process may be necessary until we are completely healed."
That gives me hope! I have prayed and prayed about these feelings and, while the pain and resentment have lessened, they still come up from time to time. I am always feeling like a failure because I can't just pray, snap my fingers and be over it. I'm still working on it and praying about it. I truly desire to have the same spirit of mercy and forgiveness that Jesus has. I'm so thankful that He forgave and continues to forgive me and I know he wants me to forgive others. In the meantime, I'll read further in this book and see what advice it has to offer about loving those you don't like. I'll also take comfort in this:
"The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world" (I John 4:4). Praise God!
I was deeply hurt once by a friend. I could not get over the anger and disappointment I felt every time I thought of him. Another friend advised me that I should tell the Lord I forgave the friend each time these feelings surfaced and say, "Lord I choose to do this with your love, and I will not give up until you put love in my heart for him. I receive that love by faith."
And then:
When someone irritates us, or his personality rubs us the wrong way, we tend to avoid him. When he comes into a room, we avoid looking in his direction and move to the other side of the room. Some of us go so far as to steer clear of events or gatherings if certain people will be there.
Ouch! That hurt because both of those passages could have been written about me. This is something I've struggled with for years now. I never have trouble forgiving anyone who is repentant, but I do if they are not. I do catch myself avoiding people who "rub me the wrong way" rather than trying to work past those feelings. Why is that?
The Bible says, "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that" (Luke 6:32-33). Again, ouch! Praying to have a heart of forgiveness and acceptance toward someone sounds so simple, but is it really?
For me, this is one of those hard teachings of Christ. Ok....confession time: I find it hard to love those who don't have a repentant spirit. I know it's wrong, but I'm afraid that being hurt by a Christian brother who showed no repentance and no interest in reconciling has jaded me somehow and made me, on some level, afraid to build new relationships. I want to forgive this person (even though he hasn't asked for it, nor was he willing to give it in return) and be free of the bad feelings about them, but I'm really having a hard time letting go of the hurt and resentment. And, I must confess, I have steered clear of events because I knew this person would be there.
I also catch myself feeling afraid anytime a "difference of opinion" comes up when I meet someone new. I can just feel myself wanting to disengage. Something inside of me just starts screaming, "Abort! Abort!" Maybe this comes from the church split I witnessed where I saw life-long friendships severed over differences of opinion. Scary stuff and unbelievably painful!!! I saw much damage done to individuals and to the reputation of the church because of that split. It was hard to get over the hurt and disappointment in some people who I had truly admired but I felt had let me down. In that situation, I justified my feelings by saying that my faith was in Jesus, not in people. But it's hard to feel that way yet still love, I mean really love, these people who have hurt you! I've also told myself that you can love people without really liking them, but that's hard for me to accept. Anyway, I think I let these experiences create a spirit of fear in me and I know that's not from Jesus, so I want to get rid of it!
Does anyone else struggle with this?
The author went on to say, "Sometimes forgiveness is a process. If we have been deeply hurt, it takes time for the wound to heal. In this case forgiveness acts as a continual cleansing of the wound so that it can heal properly. As we think about a person who has hurt us or sinned against us, feelings of resentment and emotional pain well up. Then we must reaffirm our commitment to forgive them. It is not that the first act of forgiveness was invalid, but that an ongoing process may be necessary until we are completely healed."
That gives me hope! I have prayed and prayed about these feelings and, while the pain and resentment have lessened, they still come up from time to time. I am always feeling like a failure because I can't just pray, snap my fingers and be over it. I'm still working on it and praying about it. I truly desire to have the same spirit of mercy and forgiveness that Jesus has. I'm so thankful that He forgave and continues to forgive me and I know he wants me to forgive others. In the meantime, I'll read further in this book and see what advice it has to offer about loving those you don't like. I'll also take comfort in this:
"The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world" (I John 4:4). Praise God!
posted by Elizabeth C. @ 9:07 AM
9 Comments:
At 10:31 AM,
Stephen said…
You know I have felt this way...since we went through this together.
I agree with the statement "forgiveness is a process" because I believe it is. We have gone from avoiding he who shall not be named to talking openly. I believe this struggle is a sign of the process in action.
It seems to me the "have it now" culture we live in tends to get projected on forgiveness. This is unrealistic, and as you have articulated: forgiveness is a tough thing for some people and for some situations.
I also believe we can truly forgive, but learn from our experiences and if needed avoid those who may have a personality or character of destruction. I do not believe forgiveness involves careless boundaries. We must all be wise.
Hang in there....don't let one situation that occurred several years ago with a handful of individuals ruin the possibilities of the great relationships waiting to be formed.
Love you!
At 10:46 AM,
Josh said…
Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about...I think you ARE the only one who deals with this. KIDDING!:)
I know exactly what you're talking about...and struggle with too on a daily basis. Fogiveness is a process...as is everything else in life. That's what gives me comfort, knowing that I am a 'not quite there yet' person. I'm still growing and still learning. So when opportunities like this arise...it's a growing opportunity.
Something about forgiveness, that really helps me: After a study we had in college on the topic of forgiveness our professor said that, "To forgive someone means to wish them well." Not only are you forgetting the sin, but you're actually asking God to bless them...in a since make them better so that this doesn't happen anymore to anyone else.
How cool is that?! Maybe something to think about the next time you need to forgive someone.
Great post!
At 10:54 AM,
Elizabeth C. said…
Stephen: Thanks for your words of encouragement and the reminder not to have "careless boundaries". I agree. You have been a great example to me in this situation!
Josh: As a fellow struggler, I appreciate your support. : ) I LOVE that quote about wishing them well so that they won't hurt others. I've actually been praying along those lines for that person lately. That also helps get my mind off of what was done to me and thinking about others. That's a very good thing! Thanks for your words of understanding and encouragement.
At 12:12 PM,
Neena said…
I have gone through things so similar to what you wrote about it's scary. I had people hurt me in a church setting and I also was in a church that split. So many people that helped raise me left and never really talked to us again. Even when I got married they wouldn't come because it was at the church they left. It is still very difficult. But for some reason I am ok with the forgiveness part, but not so much with the forgetting part. I understand that most people don't do it on purpose, but it still hurts. I agreed with so much of what you said. It was a great reminder.
At 1:13 PM,
Elizabeth C. said…
Neena: Thanks for sharing your experiences. It's hard when friends hurt you, especially when they are your brother or sister in Christ. I'm glad we opened this conversation. It's nice to know I have friends that understand and can help me through this process of learning to forgive.
At 4:51 PM,
Laura said…
Of course, I can only speak from my own study of how to forgive something that happened to me. What I found very interesting is that God says He will forgive and forget the sins I commit (praise Him!) but I didn't find that God expects me to forget sins committed against me. I am told to forgive over and over (seventy times seven) and to pray for those who persecute me, but God doesn't expect me to forget about it.
This is a hard lesson and I still remember the "bad thing" that happened to me almost 16 years ago but now I don't feel the pain that I did for years. Now when I think of that person, I pray for them and I forgive them all over again. It also reminds me to ask God to forgive me for the sins I commit every day. By continuing to pray for this person, I have grown to love them. Not in a way that a non Christian would understand, but with the love of God because I have prayed a thousand times that I would.
Elizabeth, thank you for sharing a little of your struggles. It helps me feel closer to my Christian friends to know we all have things we don't have figured out yet!
At 5:03 PM,
Elizabeth C. said…
Laura: Thanks for your comments, words of encouragement and for allowing me to share this weakness of mine, yet not judging me for it. It's a real blessing to know that we're not alone in our struggles.
I agree with you. God forgets, but I haven't found where he asks us to forget. In fact, I think remembering actually helps us. It helps us not to wrong people in the same way we've been wronged. It also helps us to remember that Jesus suffered much worse transgressions and yet gave his life so the world could be forgiven! Simply amazing! Makes my hurt seem very petty in comparison! : )
At 6:32 PM,
Shawn White said…
Uh...Hi, I'm Shawn and I have trouble with this too. :)
There are a couple of people that have done some pretty terrible things in the past - one was a family member, the other a psuedo-family member. It's weird because just when I think I've forgiven them, something will happen and it seems like it all starts over again. Describing it as a process is a good way to put it - it's definitely not a "forgive-and-forget" it type of thing.
I think in a way that it's good that we don't forget. Not because we can dwell on it, but because we can recognize the issues and hopefully help others through similar struggles. In the meantime, I'll kepe praying for myself and you all and just keep remembering that we'll all be perfect when we're dead. :) (okay, that last part was a joke)
shawn
At 6:51 PM,
Elizabeth C. said…
Shawn: Welcome to yet another fellow struggler on the journey! Thanks for sharing. Guess I'm definitely not alone in this. I like the point you made about using our experiences to help others. I know some of that has gone on today because your comments have helped me. I'll pray for all of us as well. And you're right, Shawn, we will all be perfect when we're dead. Finally!!!!! : )
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